YOU HAVE ONCE AGAIN DINNED WITH THE DEVIL

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You do not have control over what goes on in your heart. Well perhaps you think you do. You cannot tell the heart whether or not to fall hopelessly. After each fall, you force yourself to be nursed back to reality. The nights of tears, the days of loneliness. At first, you accept your fate and try to move on. You assure yourself and promise your heart never to get trampled upon. You try to resuscitate your heart to make it live for you, rather than love. You go about weary convincing yourself that everything is going to be alright. You fight to heal. You keep encouraging yourself knowing that you are stronger than what you are going through. Sometimes. It takes longer than expected to get rid of the memories. Days, weeks, months and you are beginning to live rather than just exist. The happiness you shut out comes extending its warm hands of friendship to you, and of course you accept it. You finally decide to move on, you promise yourself never to be stuck in that position where it’d seem like you are choking under waters, making it impossible to breathe. Months passed, you no longer want to talk about that person who walked out on you, they are history now, and you don’t want to know whatever enabled their behavior.

Years passed, perhaps one or two, another knight in shinny armor appears before you. He sweeps you off your feet with so much flowery talks, he holds your hands, kisses the back of your palms and promises never to hurt you. Your heart aches as a reminder from the previous wounds. You ignore it, protest that humans are not the same and one shouldn’t be judged based on the sins of another. You throw caution and signs to the wind. Of course, you are never going to be alone forever while guarding your heart from one person’s mistake. This is different. You try to give him a chance but will withhold your heart, you are going to love but won’t love so hard - this you say just to convince yourself that you are on the right path. You smile and pat yourself on the back.

But here you go again, each day you see the light, you hurry in check for his text, each share of daily routine pictures makes your heart flutter, each call is an assurance to loosen the grip on your heart and each video call, doubles the radiating smile, exhumes the youthful hue and makes your heart beat twice as fast.

Time passes sporadically, the energy begins to diminish. You try to wake up and pull yourself out of the whole charade, but the more you try, the more you feel yourself walking deeper in Utopia. You panic when my affections are reciprocated with cold shoulders. You feel faint when your calls are left unanswered. You begin to question your worth. You have once again dinned with the devil. You had promised yourself not to give anyone a chance to hurt you. No matter how you try to get off the quick sand, you only find yourself sinking.


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5 comments
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I always encouraged and pushed myself especially the times when everything was so dark and hardly see the lights ahead of me.

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We are the only ones who can do that for ourselves. No one else will, because sometimes, no one cares, even when they care, they don't understand how it feels. We will be alright.

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