Mental Health: The Fine Line Between Affirmation and Enabling

Let's face it: We all like to feel like we have been "seen" and understood. It's just part and parcel of the human experience that it feels good when someone sincerely tells us that we did well, or that the projects or creative endeavors we are pursuing are of quality and value.

At the same time, authenticity also matters. And hand-in-hand with that comes honesty.

Whereas I realize there are "talent scouts" who go out of their way to find "the strange and bizarre" I keep thinking of the disasters we can find on programs like American Idol or one of those "Reality TV" talent shows where someone who can't sing their way out of a paper bag continues to claim that they are the "greatest talent the planet has ever seen," all because their grandma always told them how awesome they were.

The thing about enabling is that it can quickly cause the person who is being enabled to completely lose touch with tangible reality.

"I don't have the heart to tell him that he actually SUCKS at it..."

I suppose some might argue that it is compassionate to not want to burst someone's bubble, but who's being done a favor, here?

This is where it becomes important to separate (or at least try to!) someone's enjoyment and enthusiasm for something from their perception of skill or talent.

I have heard the argument that sometimes "it just becomes too late for NO." Is that true?

I have some first-hand experience dealing with this, back from my early days of writing when I was told that I was "really" good, even by a few people who were editor/publishers... and yet when approached them in all seriousness with articles for submission, my writing suddenly became "nothing special."

Learning something like that from real life experience — particularly when you have been led to believe something else is supposedly true — is a bit like discovering that Santa Claus isn't real.

Thankfully, I never lost my enthusiasm for the written word... but I became very aware of the importance of not leading people along — enabling them — with praise that is not warranted.

We tend to do this sort of thing with our children, too... and encouragement is definitely important! However, it can turn toxic in a hurry when the praise lavished on a young person is actually not a reflection of their giftedness, but a projection of the parent's own crushed dreams.

Sadly, these fine lines are sometimes crossed in unfortunate areas of the mental health field where people who have no business guiding others become counselors/therapists because they have friends who keep telling them "how insightful" they are. It's great to be "insightful" but if you have the grace, empathy and communication skills of a charging rhinoceros, it's probably best you don't put yourself in a position where people having an emotional crisis are depending on you!

Don't get me wrong — I'm all in favor of positive reinforcement and affirming people's sincere efforts, but I also believe it's essential that we maintain perspective and not let someone's enthusiasm result in a journey into fantasyland. The world is often filled with harsh realities... setting people up — even if well-intentioned — to have a horrible fall is just not very kind or compassionate!

Thanks for reading, and have an amazing day!

How about YOU? Have you ever been told that you were "really good" at something, and then it turned out you weren't? How did you navigate the moment of "reality?" Should we be mindful that the praise we give people is REALISTIC? Comments, feedback and other interaction is invited and welcomed! Because — after all — SOCIAL content is about interacting, right? Leave a comment — share your experiences — be part of the conversation!

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Created at 20201110 10:14 PST
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