The Incomprehensible Pain of Losing My Mother

Losing a mother leaves an irreparable and inexpressible pain that will never fully mend.

It's been days since my last post here, and I'm unsure where to begin because the loss of my mother broke my heart.

The exploding emotions and heartache I was experiencing were beyond explanation. I have no idea where to begin or how to deal with this terrible incident.

I lost everything I was when my mother passed away.

I lost my mother, best friend, biggest supporter, critic, and the person I had ever loved. My mother gave me all I have today but will never make me who I am.

She is the most courageous lady I know, someone I can depend on constantly, and the one who is always at my side. She is both my solace and my home.

I know that no one will ever take an interest in or be as proud of me as my mother.

One of the most challenging experiences I've ever had was grieving for my mother.

My mother is the one that keeps in touch with all of us, and she tends to keep our families together. Generally, a mother is the center of family life and keeps the house together.

Even if my mother is imperfect, she is still the most wonderful person. There is no longer a possibility for me to make things right and hear her say, "I love you, Lyn, and I am so proud of you."

My closest friend is my mother. The first person who has ever taught me what a woman ought to be. The first person to dry my tears after I cry out in fear or pain. The first person who compliments me on how lovely and unique I am. My mum is unbeatable in my eyes.

When my mother passed away, I felt like I had failed somehow. I feel isolated and lost. The sorrow and emptiness I experience inside are difficult for me to handle. No amount of words can make the pain go away. My life is completely consumed by grief.

I lost my confidante, staunchest ally, and the one always on my side.

It's challenging to put into words the chaotic surge of emotions that sweep over me. Fear of coping with loss and a sense of helplessness stem from my inability to treat the illness and stop the inevitable.

I know the first shock of my mother's passing will pass. The upcoming emotions will be some of the most intense I've ever felt, even if they might come in waves, one at a time. The range of feelings that will overtake my body and mind is limitless, including anger, guilt, resentment, relief, sadness, and despair.

I might experience magnificent loneliness once the loss has set in. I'm not as far from death as my mother's presence made me feel, and her absence will be palpable in everything I do, say, and think.

I'll suddenly and inescapably feel accountable for the future. I might feel a crushing "what if" weight that is so heavy I can hardly breathe. There isn't a mother there anymore to seek advice, contact me when I'm sad, or get confirmation. Since I am alone, I must provide myself with encouragement, support, and a shoulder to cry on—all while continuing to live my best life.

My emotions frequently turn against me as I learn to deal with my shaky base. I'll suddenly recall every disagreement, every hour wasted, and every chance passed up, and I might feel crippling regret.

The Glimmer of Hope

I should remember that everything won't be wrong, even though it's practically impossible. I might feel relieved, especially if my mother no longer has to deal with her chronic illnesses. I might feel relieved from the tension or conflict that comes with providing care. I might even experience a rekindled sense of gratitude for my life and a heightened desire to enjoy every moment with you and your remaining loved ones. Death can cause as much division as it can create.

I'm aware that losing my mum will alter who I am. This process will break, overwhelm, and reconstruct me; that shift is perhaps the only component that can be predicted. The only way out is by riding each wave as it comes, breathing, and moving forward.

So, thank my mother in heaven for always loving and guiding me. I still feel your love driving me even though you are no longer with me. You will never leave my thoughts. I miss you terribly, and I love you.