To the Autumn Leaves

Now that you have fallen leaving the branches shamelessly naked, I am missing you the most. Placing myself in the trees isn't the hardest part but YOU; you are making me understand how painful it is to be stripped out of tender green leaves that formed the most lovely moments of my life.

But you were there not so long ago, I could still feel your touch as I stared shamelessly as long as you let me. Distant kisses blown away by the wind still feel fresh as they live on your tender lips. And I always wondered what makes you feel suffocated, as you used to say, whenever I hugged you. Every time we were together and embraced each other, it ended with you taking a long breath that warned me not to hold you that tight. You were that tender— like a fluffy ginger cat.

Are you still the same?

Being a good observer, I knew every subtle detail on your face, from pimple marks on your left cheek to that curve your upper right lip gets when you smile— I’m sure nobody ever observed you like that. You know that too. And you always wondered why didn’t we meet earlier!

God knows why.

Maybe He knows we aren’t meant for each other.

So close yet seems like pole-to-pole— you wanted to overcome the barrier and travel the distance to be together, but it is what it is. We are just apart.

Did you think it would happen to us?

Perhaps you did! I am your fantasy, you marked; repeatedly. It’s not meant to be real— you emphasised; I understood.

And I don’t blame you for that.

I am the one to blame. It’s me who tore your heart into a million pieces— a heart that would always dance in joy seeing me by your side, you said. And you didn’t lie. I could see it in your face— radiating spectrum— it would glow alike; as long as I stayed with you. Restless were those eyes staring at me, always complaining about my indifference towards my lifestyle; why I don’t take care of myself and all that— why I always prefer junk foods, why I skip meals for the fear of cooking, lol!

Yes, I always laughed; making you more disappointed, and angrier. Oh, how I feared you getting mad at me. I really did! It would take hours to convince you again and prove my point.

Remember that day I left you unattended for an hour or so?

I’ll never forget that. You were shouting and shouting and I listened, didn’t utter a single word until I knew you said enough. But I was wrong— the moment I uttered a word, you started yelling again. What a day it was!

But you let me win eventually, allowed me to win you over with your head resting on my shoulder. I remember shivering in the cold; the weather turned worse all of a sudden and I was lightly dressed. You forced me to wear your jacket, didn’t fit well but it was a comfort; indeed it was.

You were always a comfort to me, making me smile at my darkest hours, and being the reason to quit smoking once again. For a while.

You were that influential, I admired you for that, being a bold character who didn’t hesitate to wait amidst freezing temperatures at dawn just because I didn’t respond to your texts. Waited hours while the road under your feet froze to see the curtain removed so I could be aware of your presence in front of my house. Endured pain, insults, and mental abuse from your family members to turn your fantasy into a reality, to have me by your side every time, all the time.

What did I do to you?

I always asked, what is it that you are so fond of!

You couldn’t answer. Just a feeling that you can’t repress, an emptiness that I filled, a friend who understood you more than anyone, a companion who would make your life fulfilled— that’s all you repeated, made no sense to me.

I have never been a person who understands women, never tried anyway. Just because I could observe every subtle move, predict every expression of yours, didn’t hold me back from holding your hands amidst the crowd and giving you a twirl, made you smile when you burst out, asked you about your day— that’s all that makes me the one you want?

I am not convinced, nah.

I am not convinced by the fact that you ditched your family gathering to be by my side, not even the massive birthday party you arranged without giving me a clue, not that you cared for every second I was at my job and what I was eating and how to make them well-prepared— nothing convinced me back then, even not now.

But I could dance to your rhythm if you’d say— let it be, whatever it is we will figure it out together.

That’s my point, that’s my perception towards life— not the fancy houses you have, not the elite lifestyle you live.

But we talked a lot, about all the things we had— big and small.

All the little things we used to talk about— where have they gone now!

Last few words we had, remember, they are the words I am looking forward to— I am looking forward to my soul being haunted by the roads we used to walk along, benches we used to sit together, bus stop we used to bade farewell— remember?

I will remember your last wish, forever.

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_{The raven doesn't mind sitting alone}