Dem Hips
There you are youngster!
My neighbour The Jim boomed cheerily at me from my doorstep.
I was not sure why he seemed surprised given that only moments before he had rung my doorbell.
Alright mate, how are you?
As I liked The Jim I attempted to surreptitiously hang the front door cosh back up on its hook. It was a good cosh, I called it The Leathering. Although it had yet to taste the blood of man it had whispered often of its keenness to do so.
Bide your time
I had whispered back in the dead of the night when it had uttered such things, giving it a quick cuddle of reassurance before sliding it back under the pillow.
Och ye know, I'm alright but the missus... You know, it's her hip...
The Jim looked at me in the long-suffering way that men who have women do. It would be uncouth to roll our eyes, instead, we have a look that implies the volume of suffering we have to go through with our respective Good Ladies.
Aye, the hip. Is it giving her gyp?
Inwardly I high-fived myself at my wordsmithery and wondered if The Jim despite being nearly seventy would respond in kind and we would have a doorstep rap battle.
A mini snort furped out of my lips at the thought. Obviously, I would win and if I didn't, well, I guess The Leathering would finally get its wish and sup on human flesh.
It isn't half. She is in a fair bit of pain today.
Alas, it looked like no rap battle was forthcoming.
The Jim sighed and looked off into the near distance as if imagining leggy lovelies tantalising his old meat with their working hip goodness.
And that's what I came round for...
He looked at me beseechingly and a little apologetically which was worrying.
Did he want me to give his missus a bit of a rub? A Swedish massage? Squirt some lotion on her? Fuck, she was nearly seventy? She looked like one of those old women you see on the TV in Sudan with no teeth lamenting about the well running dry.
Of course the well ran dry, you live in a fucking desert?
I snapped back to the present. and nodded grimly to The Jim.
My problem of course was that I was a selfless soul and if some old woman wanted a rub and some Boom-Lotion then it would be churlish of me to refuse.
It is literally hard being me at times.
You want me to...
I twerked my head back and forth in the way you do when implying to a man that you are going to give his wife a bloody good seeing to.
The Jim gave me a peculiar look as if he didn't want me to generously splash his wife with life milk.
We cannae make it to the Church today, would you mind dropping this off for me?
He handed me a bag full of what looked like old clothes.
I held a hand out for the bag and raised an eyebrow.
Are you sure that's all I can do for you?
I let the tone of my voice reassure him that it was okay to let me take one for the team.
Aye, thank you. You're a good man.
He gave me another look before turning and making his way back to his house.
I grunted. A good man?
Possibly not.
You did mention sometime back that you a had a thing for the 'mature ones'. 😀
Haha, perhaps not that mature but it is true! I wonder when it will get to the point that they are too mature given my current age :OD
No teeth he says...no teeth... hmmm 🤔
Not a single one. The landing strip is clear!! :OD
😂
Dramatically great big anti-climax, desert storm and all....
!BEER
Sometimes the best climx is no climax... Wait a mo, that doesn't sound right :OD
Prowess at 70...., only Duke Wayne, boom boom, cowboy code!
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Really had my hopes up for a doorstep rap battle lol. The Jim doesn't know how good he has it living next to you and....The Leathering.
Rap battles rawk. Can you imagine being rap battled by a pensioner. Hehe! That would call for The LEathering...! :OD
A door step rap battle as the poor ole woman sits by her window listening to all of her alements recounted in song.
!PIMP
You must be killin' it out here!
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I never even thought of his missus sitting there cheering him on through the window, lol!
Well sometimes its hard being someone else let alone yourself. 😀
I agree, that is why we must always try to be ourselves! :O)
Yahh absolutely. I try the best way i can not be someone am not but to be just me
It is surely the best way. May you forever do so!
Yahhh😀
The Jim seems too old to do something with him :)
He is quite the old fellow. A picture of health right enough!
Churches sure have fallen. They now accept secondhand clothes? ;<)
I also had no idea that you were a churchgoer ;<)
They do by the looks of it!
I am most certainly not a church goer. In fact I had to ask him which one they were going to and I couldn't find my way in very well! :OD
I was kidding. Didn't take you for one.
At least you didn't ask him:
What's a church?
Perhaps the guy was testing you? ;<)
Here churches are basically buildings and not much more than that, although whenever it suits them, everybody is Catholic here.
I got a 'begging' envelope in my mailbox, recently, though with the purpose to put money in it and return the envelope to this town's one and only church. I almost feel for them but I threw it in the paper bin nevertheless.
Ha, he knows my thoughts about them. His wife has subtly tried to get us to go for various things.
I throw those things in the bin too. I hate that kind of stuff from organised religion!
I would throw their advice in the bin too ;<)
Same here with organised religion.
Also, if you're already a member of the Satanic Cat society and of Hive, why would you need to join any other
cultclub?Exactly, the Satanic Cat Club is the only club a man could ever need! 😀😀
Lol... just agree that you are. Don't be a big baby about it. Hehe.
Wow. I am glad things ended out nicely. Happy new day to you, and my regards to the Good Lady 😉.
A happy new day to you too!
Yes, everything worked out quite well. I am glad!
That's superb 😉
Hopefully his Good Lady didn't know what you were thinking, if she was listening, lol... She might tell your Good Lady 😲
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Lol, that works make things a little awkward seeing as he lives right next door!! Thankfully telepaths are few and far between!! 😀
So true! But some people seem to be pretty close to telepathic!
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They don't half, worryingly so!
My dear Sir, your neighbor and wife are generous people who, despite their disadvantage due to their painful hips, think about people who need help and who may be in a street situation. and who better than you to bring your goodness in your hands to the church.
I think this is the best rap To give generously to those who need the most and in this pre-Christmas season is glory to the one who receives.
This world needs more gratitude, and kind and generous hearted people.
The world truly does and if you cannot help your neighbour then who can you help!
They are a nice couple, just struggling a bit with age and all that comes with it!
When I read the post I thought about my parents of 85 mom and 87 daddy, with everything that implies being so great, thank God they still take care of themselves and help many people in the church of their community.
That is very impressive, regretfully neither of my parents made it to their eighties but they loved very full and happy lives. I take my hat off to yours!
Thank You so much dear Mr. for your good wishes to my beloved parents who this December 20th celebrate 65 years of marriage and still talk and walk together. 🙏
https://twitter.com/jewellery_all/status/1731745339302912171
Lol
The good lady deserves to some accolade, lol
I love the end since things went well
Things don't often go well so it's nice when they do!
The Good Lady deserves many accolades 🙂
I was half-thinking The Jim would break out in a beat-box routine while you busted a rhyme. Hilarious stuff my friend!
If he did that I would surely die a happy man!! 😀😀
True story….There was an “old guy” who lived in our condo building. He obviously had some sort of addiction issue, either drugs or alcohol (both?) he would wander the halls inebriated. He would also sit in the underground parking garage and play his guitar in his car (the car was filled with cigarette smoke). I came back from a bike ride one afternoon and this guy was high/drunk off his gourd and preceded to perform the best beatbox (except for maybe Doug E. Fresh) I’ve ever heard. I stood there thinking to myself: 1) this is a glitch in the matrix; or 2) this dude is way younger than he looks.
I reckon it was a glitch! Then again, addiction and various issues can ravage a persons appearance.
I think tho that we are also getting into that time period where people who are older dont necessarily act older in the way our older generation might. At least I hope so. I still intend to be outrageous and creative as I get into my dotage!
I think he just looked older than he was, lifestyle really catches up to us in our fifties. The guy really did do a flawless beatbox though.
It’s strange how much older people looked at our age in the 1970’s and 80’s. I don’t think exercise was as widespread, everyone smoked too.
I was saying the same to the good lady the other day. Older people dressed like old people which made them look older and the smoking couldn't have helped at all!
Take me back to my first couple of jobs where everyone smoked in the office 😀
I'm glad Leathering didn't get the job, man. I wouldn't want him starting with a 70-year-old man. Something fresher would be better.
As they say in France, fresher is always better! 😀
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The Jim was so lucky to have you as neighbour but then he says you are a good man😅 possibly not a good man
He sees the good in people. Yo never know, he could be right! :OD
I was so ready for an epic rap battle, but alas, the old Jimbo was not up to it. But don't lose hope, maybe one of these days he will be up for the challenge.
I am hoping that right jow he is watching 8 Mile and practicing his chops! :OD
Hahahahahahaha... a good ending!!! I ended up feeling touched by the elderly couple. Give them my greetings from Havana and I hope that hip improves. If you have a miraculous lotion for pain, we are needing it here because of the medication crisis on this island 😬😉😁
Alas there are no magic bullets here either. People are getting old and the health system is ruined by the current government. The world is going to hell!
They are a nice couple, Even if they are old :OD
How horrible to hear this, from an underdeveloped country with a totalitarian government, we see some countries as the inspiration to continue in the search for freedoms and social well-being A big hug from Havana
It looks like most countries are heading down the toilet. Its hard to watch how things change!
😐😔🤞
Are you sure you would do it because of your good man nature, which cannot be denied? the splash thingy and the milk of life hahahaha 🤣
Is it not the case that the good lady has kept you for some time in a desert?
😝😄
It is true that perhaps he sees in me which I do not see in myself! Perhaps he was once a preacher...
You could be forgive for thinking she has kept me in a desert :OD
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Aye its a manly man that is willing to take one for the team, if need be!
Aye, its primate tiome and I al going all ape! :OD
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