The Notions on Family 'Responsibilities'

9 months ago (Edited)

I grew up in a family circle that believes everyone has a role to play in life and that each one is responsible for his or her own good. Whilst we help each other in difficult times and celebrate together in wonderful times, no one is completely reliant on the other. That is probably the reason why it often shocks me the most hearing stories from people about the challenges they face because their families look up to them for financial support even when they are physically able to fend for themselves.

I got to spend time with a friend in that situation some years ago during a holiday trip to Hong Kong. She shared she was her "family's slave."

Her 4 siblings, already of age, were all out of school, and her parents were still in their early 50s and "healthy as a carabao" in her own words. They used to work she said, but the moment she went abroad, they stopped altogether and started asking for their monthly allowance from her. At that time, she had already been working overseas for 5 years.

Helping is one thing, but being abused is another

I told her then that she should let her family know how tough her work is and the hardship she is enduring. I thought doing that would at least make them wake up and not rely solely on her like they were pensioners waiting for their monthly pay whilst she was busting her ass off to make ends meet.

Another suggestion I gave her then was perhaps to put up a small business for them to run and it can become their source of living and hopefully, they will not continue to look up to her month after month.

She is still overseas now and doing exactly the same thing as she did all those years. At 48, she never really had the chance to settle down or have her own family because as she puts it, she's her family's "milking cow" and having her own will mean doubling the struggle.

Setting boundaries

A few months back, she shared her deepest predicaments. She was feeling worthless and unappreciated. That her family only sends her messages when they need something and they don't even ask how she was doing.

In exasperation, I teased her she had spoiled them for years. That she isn't doing them any favor at all because up until now, she still treats them like they don't have their own two arms and feet to find ways to make a living. And that makes them continuously think she has an easy life.

"You love your fam I know, but what happens then when you suddenly lose your job and it will take a long while to find a new one? Will they go hungry just waiting for their pension from you?" I asked.

"Or what if something happens and puff! You will be gone?" I was all worked up, feeling sorry, and also baffled by how her own family treated (and still treats) her so. "Honestly, I'm tired... very tired..." she cried.

No matter how much she wanted to give her all to her family, she is on the verge of her limits, and resentment is building up. For sure she has some dreams of her own yet she couldn't even do something about them because she's tied to what she feels are her responsibilities.

It is okay to help the people we care about but we should set some limits and find ways for them to stand on their own too. Because whether we like it or not, we won't be around forever.

The Wrong Notions on Responsibilities

I personally believe it is wrong for parents to even think that it is okay to make their offspring take over the responsibilities of providing for the family. It is understandable when they are of old age or are no longer able due to illness or other circumstances.

And it is equally a mistake for children to think they can (or need) to repay what their parents had done for them. We owe our existence to them, that's a given, but thinking we have to pay them back for that and for other reasons is so wrong in my opinion. Because no matter what we do or how much riches we shower upon them, we can never repay them. And such thoughts of repaying will eventually turn things into a responsibility (burden) instead of doing them out of love and joy.

This is my participation for the first question on this week's edition of the LoH prompt.

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46 comments

@intishar 71

9 months ago

I am feeling sad to hear the incident happened with you friend. She almost burnt her life for her family. Her parents did unfair in my opinion and she never has the power to say no. Now she can do nothing except regretting.

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