Top 8 signs you're not funny

Source

It is ironic that I am writing this in comedy open mic. Maybe.

Have you ever brought yourself to forcibly laugh at your boss when it is performance appraisal season?
Have you managed a weak smile at your father-in-law's attempts at humour?
Have you gone out on a date with a really hot person who says something and has to tell you that it was a joke?
This means you have been in contact with someone who is not funny. But, unfortunately they cannot diagnose their illness. Until now.

Here are some doctor-approved (of anthropology) signs that you might not be funny.

1- You have a great idea for a joke, and then you wait for someone to stop talking before you can start your buildup and then deliver the punchline. As the other person keeps on talking, the joke evolves in your head, and the buildup becomes longer. It is finally your turn to speak, and you do not notice that the topic has changed. You delve right into your monologue, but since you had time to come up with multiple setups, you mix up all of them, and the punchline is lost. Meanwhile, your audience has a glazed look in their eyes because you used so many words to make a point—brevity is the soul of wit. So, you need to be crisp and concise, like me.

2- You laugh while telling your own jokes. Do you remember that laughter track from shows of yesteryear that emphasised every single joke? If that is you, then, like those shows, you are not funny.

3- You are a happy person. It is a well-established fact that a sense of humour stems from a dark place. No shiny, happy people make jokes about Rogaine in their boss's ear cleaning solution. Funny people hide sadness, misery, loneliness, or murdered bodies.

4 - You are easily distracted. You might start off strong when telling a joke, and suddenly—is that Proxima Centauri?

5 - You use a lot of math and statistics in your jokes. According to statistics given in the latest 1999 report of the World Food and Human Organisation, 80% of people, which is actually 100% if you use ideal conditions, put it in a quadratic equation, extrapolate it, and drag it to 100 yourself, approximately 100% of people will fall asleep.

6 - Your sense of humour has never offended anyone. If nobody has been outraged, mildly peeved, or given you death threats after getting a taste of your sense of humour then you are doing something wrong.

7- If there is a pregnant silence after your jokes, the kind when you tell your significant other your credit score or when your boss is riding the lift with you, there are high chances that not only are you not funny, but you might even be my sister-in-law.

8 - You have to repeat your jokes twice. You have to repeat your jokes twice.

There you have it—undeniable proof (wacked by science) that you might not be funny. All those awkward silences, hollow laughter, and false compliments, mostly given by your mom, might be flashing before you. Hurts, doesn't it? hahahaha