Hidden Feelings

Andrea Piacquandio

I stared into her dull brown eyes.

Eyes filled with darkness and venom, with sparks of madness looming behind the dull brown color. Her smile was like that of a Cheshire cat, and that alone was enough reason for people to question her sanity. She was holding the soft petals of a yellow rose, and she looked me dead in the eyes and crushed it. It was a promise, and I knew. A promise of what was to come if I didn't back out.

“Leave Jimmy alone, Dorcas. I won't address this issue again. He is mine and mine alone!”

She screamed at me and walked off in a huff.

I was confused. I had a lot, running through my head, and I wondered how two best friends who couldn't stay without each other couldn't bear to be in the same room. Likewise, I turned to look at Jimmy's pale gray eyes, and I couldn't bear to see the confusion and pain he felt. Not only that, but I ran off, and I went home to cry my eyes out. I had never felt so heartbroken in my life.

The laughter, the care, and the kindness were just to lure me in? The pain I felt was indescribable, I felt like drowning and breathing at the same time. Thugs of pain and cries echoed in my head as I couldn't place my emotions in one place. I felt betrayed, lied to, and deceived even though it wasn't like that.

I wanted to be happy for them, I wanted to. But I couldn't because the thought of having to watch my two best friends in love made me feel so lonely, and I figured I'll probably be dying lonely. The fact that I had fallen madly in love with Jimmy wasn't helping matters. Tammy knew this, and she had to set boundaries because Jimmy was now her man.

“Arhhhhhhhh”

I screamed into my empty room, and that was all I remembered before blacking out. I opened my eyes to find my sobbing mother near what, I assumed, was to be my hospital bed. She was counting the beads on her rosary when she suddenly noticed I was awake.

“Dorcas! Why would you do this to your poor mother, ehehn? Don't you know my heart is too fragile to handle these types of things?”

She cried bitterly, and I instantly regretted letting myself be controlled by the emotions I felt at the time, but would you blame me? I was in love.

“I'm sorry mummy, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry”,

I kept chanting as if nothing else could come out from my dried lips. Tears were running down my cheeks and the whole slab of emotions came running back. My heart ached so much, and it felt as if it was ripped out of my chest and smashed into several unimaginable pieces. My mind immediately went back to the night I fell in love with Jimmy. I remembered it like it was yesterday. I remember so vibrantly in my head that it lives rent-free.

“Dorcas, you know I love you, right?”

He had asked, and I laughed nervously because I didn't know what to say at the time.

“All those lies won't work on me, you know that, right?”

I ended up saying this because I couldn't believe someone like him would fall for someone like me.

“I know you have a heart of stone and all, but I'm not lying to you.”

He said with so much sincerity in his voice and the raw emotion of love shining through his pale gray eyes. I would rather not acknowledge what he had said, but I had no choice. If not, it would leave so much tension in the room that it could even be cut up by a knife.

“What do you mean?”

I had asked him out of curiosity because I wanted to be certain he didn't love me as a friend and be too forward.

“I have feelings for you, okay? If that's what you want to hear, but I know you are too strong-hearted for you to care, right? Just forget it”,

He didn't even give me the chance to acknowledge his feelings. But I kept everything in my heart. I instantly fell in love with him at that point, even if he didn't know. Jimmy would always hold my hands, hug me when I cried, and provide for all my needs because money was not the issue for him. We held hands and did everything together. Everyone thought we were in a relationship, and I was so happy.

That was until I saw a letter from my best friend Tammy telling me they were dating. I laughed because I thought it was a sick joke and everything was just a dream. That was until Jimmy confirmed everything about them dating. I smiled and tried to be happy for them. I did, but I couldn't help it. Likewise, I couldn't stand it.

Tammy somehow figured I had feelings for Jimmy. It wasn't shocking because she was my best friend, and she knew me even more than I knew myself, and that was what led to the confrontation. I know Jimmy but have felt awful, well, I'd like to think he felt bad.

Nothing would have prepared me for what was to come. I realized love was not worth it if I had to be hospitalized and watch my mother cry over the only child she has. I was confused, heartbroken, and pained, but I took certain lessons out of it, and I'm happy I did.